1. On the first day, Spod said, "Let there be Spam!" And there was Spam. And Spod looked upon the Spam and saw that it was good. On the second day, Spod said, "Let there be cans!" And there were cans. And Spod looked upon the cans, and realised that Spam could be stored within them, and He saw that it was good. But Spod could not open the cans, so on the third day, Spod said, "Let there be can openers!" And there were can openers. And Spod looked upon the can openers, and Spod saw that this was good. On the fourth day, Spod said, "Let there be silverware!" And silverware was created, and Spod saw that you could eat Spam with silverware, and He saw that this was good. On the fifth day, Spod said, "Let there be pasteurization!" And there was pasteurization. And Spod saw that you could now pasteurize Spam, and he saw that this was good. On the sixth day, Spod said, "Let there be pigs!" And pigs of all types appeared on the world of Spam, and Spod saw that you could make Spam out of pasteurized pig, and He saw that this was good. On the seventh and final day, Spod said, "No, no, no! Let there be PIGS!" And ugly creatures with a head and two arms and two legs and two eyes and a nose and two ears and, well, you know the rest, appeared and ate the Spam and pasteurized the pigs, and Spod saw that this WASN'T good, but there was not a goddam thing He could do about it, so He let it ride.
2. The first two ugly creatures, called "Spammans," were named Spadam and Speve. They mistakenly called themselves "man" and "woman," respectively, and Spod saw that this was bad, but once again there was not a goddam thing he could do about it, so he let this ride too. One day Speve was walking through the Garden of Speden, and she remembered that Spod had told her to eat any fruit save that of the Knowledge of Spam and F.A.S. She saw a curious looking creature, made entirely of Spam, near the tree of the Knowledge of Spam and F.A.S. "I," said the creature, "am a Sperpent. Eat the fruit of the tree. To not eat it is to say that Spod is better than you, but you must learn about Spam to prevail in the world." So Speve ate the fruit, and gave some to Spadam.
3. One day Spod was walking through the Garden of Speden, when He spied Spadam behind a Spam tree. "Why are you hiding?" asked Spod. "Because I like F.A.S.," said Spadam. "You have eaten the fruit," said Spod. And to punish them all, he changed the Sperpent so that it was no longer crafted out of Spam, and he cursed Speve with an eternal dislike of Spam. I really don't want to get into what Spadam and Speve did after they left the Garden of Speden, this being a religious text and all, so I will end the Spam Bible for now. Look for part 2, which will be available as soon as I am stupid enough to go about wasting my time writing another installment of the Spam bible.